Healing Amidst the Mayhem

I was just casually relaxing on this rainy day when this thought hit me; I’m finally finding myself all over again.

As the world was/is in turbulence due to these unprecedented events, I took this vow of letting my inner child heal during the lockdown. As someone who loved to be occupied with different activities all the time; I learned to give my mind and my body a break. Taking a break made me feel very guilty every time I realized I could be doing something “productive”; it took me a while to realize the break I permitted myself to take is more productive than anything.

I had the privilege of spending so much quality time with my family; something for such a long duration I may or may not get any time soon. Always prioritizing my studies and extracurricular activities, and having to do that much more in the future, I spent my days just playing with my siblings and engaging in group activities together. I pressed pause on the super speeding world; suspended my animation for I wanted to live in those moments for a very long time.

Vulnerability; something that was very precious to me but at the same time felt like a foreign concept when it came to showing it to people around me. I had my fair share of trust issues from friends and partners. Showing vulnerability felt so sickening; I would have my heart up in my throat having to do that.

Taking this much-needed break; I started seeing vulnerability from a different perspective. Instead of viewing it as a weakness, I started realizing how powerful vulnerability really is. People around showering me with love and affection, helped me build a foundation for trust, and with their love and affection could I actually start to take the step on the first block of the foundation. 

I now take my vulnerability as one of my most prized possessions. The surge of power I felt when I accepted this reality was unmatched. This has also helped me find my purpose and at the same time helped me prioritize myself and my health before anything else. From being too numb to feel anything to being able to see and feel things from different perspectives; I still have my moments where I feel overwhelmingly grateful to be able to feel something again.

I feel super appreciative and joyous about my existence. My therapist hypes me up whenever I say this and I swell up with tears always for I know that my grade 9 self would swell up with tears too.

For every new chapter in my life, I like to make a change as a statement that this particular phase of life is a brand new chapter for me. I wish to spiritually as well as sometimes materialistically change up things in my life for this. I wait to make this change until I’m actually ready for a new chapter. 

Whenever I tried to picture my healing in the past, I would always imagine myself in my room that smelled like lavender and roses, listening to my favorite beats, having meditation as a part of my daily routine, being a plant mom, and much more fine details as such. I now look around my room to see exactly my vision being manifested into a reality.

The feeling I get when I realize that I’m healing and learning is a little overwhelming and surreal. I guess this is what they’d call living life like the main character, haha.