The first feeling that goes through my being as soon as I wake up is guilt. The time on my phone’s blaring screen is 8 am, which means it’s yet another day of me having ignored my 5 am alarm. Now don’t get me wrong, I know it’s quite early for plenty of people. But I’ve always been a morning person, I would’ve ticked off half of my to-do list by the time I wake up these days. It’s not even because I’m sleepy, or I’m not well-rested, I’m just tired. Maybe I’m tired of the stagnant reality. The monotonous todays seem to have sucked all my enthusiasm and anticipation for unpredictable tomorrows.
Or maybe tomorrow has today painted all over it. Whatever it is, you get the idea. So then I get to sleeping, an escape from actuality. A friend once said how giving in to a deep slumber is like getting on a time machine. You wake up and voila! you’re in a different time; a slightly nearer future. So yes, I have added sleep to my extended list of excuses for not being productive enough.
I’m someone who’s always been impatient in the face of leisure. I always had to do something or the other, learn some skill or the other, I just had to be occupied and productive. I loved routines, so much that I would set out separate hours for breaks even while at home. I liked the idea that my next steps were already planned and I would not have to decide on the spot, or worse, stay disorganized.
But these days are different; I find comfort in lying in my bed and scrolling through my phone screen for several hours. I still somehow manage to complete assignments for my online classes and submit them minutes before the deadline. The thing is, I can be too hard on myself. While people all over the world are battling against a deadly virus, I still cannot make peace with my demons. Here I am, battling abuses that I throw at myself.
And I know how this isn’t permanent and what people are facing is much worse than my complaints about myself. I also know that someday the sky will clear up and this will feel like it was just a phase. I only hope that I can relax along the lines of my unproductivity. I want to learn how it feels to just step back and observe life for a while. Knowing when to pause and knowing how to focus on the present seems like quite the handy mind tool right now.
I have heard quite so many times that meditation paves the way for handling such anxious, restless moments. And maybe I should begin now, since I have more time in my hand than I’ll possibly ever have. See, a silver lining! For now, I’m planning to be mindful of my situation and be just a little more lenient with myself. After all, I can also come home to my thoughts instead of building a prison from them.