All I am going to say is that you caught me up on a bad day. Today is the day when getting up from bed seemed like the biggest chore. Today is the day the coffee that made me ready for the day just didn’t have the same magic. Today is the day I greeted my mom with a scowl on my face while all she did was ask me about my plans for the day. Today is the day I replied to my dad with “why do I have to do everything?” when all he did was ask me if I did the work he had asked me to do a week ago and I had agreed.
Today’s just not the day you know. Instead of congratulating my friend who texted me with such enthusiasm about how she achieved something, I ranted about how bad my life is. Instead of getting ready for going out with my friends, that was planned weeks ago, I came up with a very lame excuse to cancel the plan. Instead of helping my parents in the household chores, I wasted my time by mindlessly scrolling through my phone.
And I know, instead of practicing a positive mindset that I have worked so hard on, I am going to drown on self-loathing. I am going to remember every flaw I have. I am going to think about how I am not worthy. I am going to remember all the arguments I lost just because I couldn’t come up with a good comeback. I am going to remember every single thing I am not good at. I am going to remember everything that is self-destructive despite knowing that that’s the last thing I should be doing.
And I agree that deliberately doing something as such is a foolish thing to do. But you know what, I don’t care. But maybe I do. Today I care a lot and at the same time not at all. Today the universe seems to be working against me or me against the universe, I don’t know. As funny as that sounds, that’s what is happening. As confusing as it sounds, that’s how I am feeling. But it’s all out of my control and maybe I am the one to blame for letting that happen. But today, it is what it is.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up happy and let my morning cup of magic do its job. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to mend the relationships I almost sabotaged. Maybe tomorrow I’ll focus on everything I have and can achieve. Maybe tomorrow I’ll pretend to be fine but maybe I’ll genuinely be. But today, I have no energy to do anything of that.
Tomorrow might be a day too late or the troubles that I created too big to mend. But today, let me embrace the glorious mess I am.