The ‘Ravish Me’ fantasy: Do women really want to be loved into submission?

Traditionally, masculine energy has been linked to being assertive, focused, direct and relentless and usually, in a heterosexual relationship, we can very generally assume that a man embodies this type of energy. The traditional feminine is more reflected with tenderness, beauty, art, getting in touch with our inner child, nurturing and healing and in this article; we are assuming that a woman embodies these innate qualities in a heterosexual relationship while speaking in general terms.

While any partner can have a masculine or feminine energy to them or show certain types of traits in certain situations, today we talk about the “ravish me” fantasy (this is very different from the ‘rape fantasy’ which is misunderstood very often) and why does this fantasy commonly rank among the top 5 fantasies of modern women who are strong and independent in their own ways and aren’t afraid to speak their mind? What is it about the thought that makes women want to be lovingly yet forcefully taken by their man that wets the hell out of their panties?

Let’s first talk about dominance and submission. While this can quickly escalate in our minds towards kinks and kicks, it doesn’t always have to. Real women in real world who sometimes want to be dominated in bed tend to be different than those portrayed in the mainstream media (well the general portrayal of female sexuality in mainstream media is whole another topic to discuss about). Here, we could take 50 shades of grey trilogy as an example, the female protagonist Anastasia Steele played by Dakota Johnson submits herself to the dominance of this successful and rich guy, Christian Grey played by Jamie Dornan and her nature seems to be meek and mellow in everyday life as well. While in real life, women who are winning in their life and career and are very independent and successful also tend to have the ‘submission fantasy’. This throws a light on another idea that just because women demand equal pay for equal work, do not like to come second and support the rights and equality of all genders doesn’t mean they are not entitled to their however idiosyncratic turn-ons, especially if it involves being sexually submissive to a man.

Going to the roots of this whole dominance and submission, I have some ideas on maybe why women might be turned on by the idea of being dominated, conquered and ravished by a man. In romance novels, bedtime folklores and a lot of literary fictions since time immemorial, we have always read the story about a damsel in distress being rescued by a handsome and muscular prince. This is the literature and media we have consumed all our lives I am talking about and given how the media we consume has the most effect on shaping the way we think about things and mold our values, maybe this representation has triggered the sort of sexual inhibition among women and men in the society. As these pieces of literatures and storytelling do not indicate violence and power (except when the prince is rescuing his princess from the villain) and most couples live a fairytale ending by getting married and living happily ever after, people might have gotten inspired and thought, ”Who knows? Maybe that’s how I am supposed to feel.” Or, from an evolutionary psychology perspective, women generally want to make sure that their man can take care of them, protect them and hold them in the time of need, both emotionally and physically, the latter also being possible from the biological built of human bodies: how men are naturally stronger and muscular compared to women.

Okay enough of theories, let’s talk practical life. When we first meet someone and like them, we look at them through rose colored glasses, all the red flags look like just a couple of normal flags. Our bodies are surged with hormones that make us feel all positive and nice around this person and this is, in general terms defined as the ‘honeymoon phase’ of a relationship. This initial chemistry and passion gradually fades over time and if we are in this for the longer run, we definitely need some sort of spark that keeps the sexual tension in the relationship alive. And therefore, it is not strange for couples to engage in some form of consensual sexual pleasure that both partners have agreed upon and we’re nobody to judge them for it, are we? Here is where the whole idea of spicing things up and experimenting with your sex life come into place, humans are just different and have different tastes!

While sexual dominance in people is often referred to as being ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’ in the mainstream media, submission actually reflects a good degree of trust in your partner (given you derive pleasure from submission) and generally speaking, we are usually more vulnerable about our hearts being ravished and open, our bodies are merely bodies colliding. This power play can range between simply initiating sex to being more violent in sexual methods and approaches and all the way to BDSM. Subtle things such as allowing your sex partner to set time and place or sex positions or letting them undress you, anything can be an act of power play among yourselves if you know how to do it right.

A very clear communication on what can be done to derive gratification and pleasure and what cannot be done is important among a couple before sharing and experimenting on their sexual kinks and kicks. After all, having boundaries is the best form of self-respect. Women are always expected and perceived to be polite and pretty and perfect in the outer world. Talking dirty in bed might be what turns your woman on because it’s tiring to be pretending being all nice and polite all the time. In the intimacy of a sexual encounter, you are in charge of your body and your experience, you chose to be there in the moment and powerful women might feel sexually powerful by opting to lose their power, as an individual choice, with the man who respects and values her. At the root of this feeling, to be ‘taken’ or ‘ravished’ can actually be about having the highest form of power over a man because it could reflect that your partner cannot control themselves or keep their hands off you, they want you and only you because you are sexy and desirable.

Anyways, it’s always the kind of balance you and your partner find when trying to keep things spicy, usually in long term monogamous relationships. Maybe you guys would want to take turns, maybe one of you always likes to take the lead and knows all about the sweet spots of other, it is totally your take on how you like the excitement and thrill to always be on in a relationship. This article is written by a woman and so it talks from a female perspective a lot but this can be true to any gender, binary or not. Remember, we believe that heterosexual love is not the only or the more superior love and gender norms are bulshit. Now go find that balance.

*Note that this is just the author’s take on the topic

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